Dominants and Self-Doubt—Impostor Syndrome is a Little Bitch Sometimes…
When I go out to play parties or socials, those who know me see that I have a certain “look” to how I present myself. I like to dress in a tie and vest. To me, there is something about that look that just shows ‘class’ and care. It doesn’t hurt that there are quite a few memes out there with the man in the black vest and black tie, white shirt, black pants and polished shoes…with the sleeves rolled up, no less…that, to me, is just utterly sexy. I will admit that it is a look I emulate. The way I figure it, if I look like I take care of myself, then it shows an impression that I will also take good care of my play partners as well.
Forgive a digression for a moment…there was a friend of mine that found me out and about in a shirt and shorts (It’s summer! It’s hot!) and (I am paraphrasing here)… “I can’t stop looking at you, dressed like this. You are always so dapper. I keep having to remind myself who you are…” I guess I have a ‘trademark’ look around here… I thought it was a funny moment, and I wanted to share.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
So, my partner and I were at a play party, and I was dressed in my usual shirt-tie-vest combination. I was walking around the space when I turned a corner and was greeted, quite unexpectedly, by another member of the community that I had not met yet. They were looking in one of the smaller rooms that was available for play. They heard me turn, and stood up and looked at me, standing up to their full height. Looking at me was this mountain of a person, who had to at least be 6 feet-10 inches (Or at least that is what I saw behind my eyes.)
If you know me, you know that I am not the tallest of gentlemen (fun fact: I get picked on all the time for being the ‘shortest dude at my workplace’). This person was at least a head and a half taller than me, and we locked eyes. Now, even in my Dommiest, I had a moment of “Oh, my gods, this person can maim me with one swat of those massive arms…I’m gonna die…” kind of fear (Totally unreasonable, I know, but we are all human).
They then got this broad smile on their face, and it was one of the warmest smiles I remember in my life, and they extended their arms. “My brother in a vest,” they said to me, “May I give you a hug? I never see anyone dress up for play parties anymore. You are one of the only ones that I have ever seen wearing a vest besides me. I thought I was the only one…”
And it was true. This person was quite dapper in their own right. They wore a vest and a bola tie, with a button-down shirt, and slacks. They looked the part of the “Dapper Dom”.
We embraced, and (I like to think), an instant bond was formed, simply because we agreed on a look. The conversation that came after was, indeed, about how we look and how we carry ourselves in the community.
The point of my stories are this. We as Tops, I think, like to carry ourselves a certain way. There is an air of confidence that we feel we must have in order to be in the position of power we are granted (I heard a lovely anecdote that says: “Doms are just the brattiest brats of all”. There is something to that.
Then there are those Domly Domington’s of Toppington Lane (who I will never NOT make fun of), who also take this look and (I feel) ruin it for the rest of us. They make sure that they look the DOMLIEST of all the people in the room, so that there is no question as to who they are and what they stand for. They wear these cloths, or carry themselves in a certain way that I find totally unpleasant. They, to me, are the fakers in the community. (These are the ones on Fet who just have dick pics because who doesn’t just wanna see someone’s penis?)
But here is the thing. (And I am going to fully admit to a personal shortcoming here that I still struggle with on occasion)…
There have been several times in my Dommy life where I have looked in the mirror and asked myself, “What are you doing? You can’t do this. You have no skill. You have no clue. No one takes you seriously as a Dom. You are a Soft Dom…a Gentleman Dom…no one has any respect for those types of Doms. Subs want the Dom who always feels confident in what they are doing. Guess what? NOT YOU!”
I feel like at times that I am on an island. I feel like I am the only Dom who struggles with this. I see other Doms, like my Friend in the Vest, who I watched play that evening. They were always in control of the situation, and the air was thick with a confidence that was palpable. I watched that, and immediately felt that I could never live up to that sort of self-assured stature. I saw the same in several other Doms that night, too. I felt like I was just faking it. No matter what my partner said (and we had one of our best scenes at that party.)
Impostor Syndrome (for lack of any other way to put it in this case) sucks.
It took a long time, and lots of reassurance from my partners, that I was doing a good job as a Top, and as a Dominant. That they appreciated what I was doing for them (and to them). The encouragement from the bottoms helped my heart feel good about where I was. They told me that a ‘gentleman’ Dom (please read as the ‘attitude’, not the gender) is what most subs look for. They want someone who makes sure that they listen, that they are courteous, and put the needs of their partner above all else. It was, in fact, so reassuring to hear that how I was carrying myself was exactly the way that I should be doing it, beyond what Hollywood and fiction (and members of certain social fetish websites) have to say about what a Dominant should ‘look and act’ like.
I am writing about this as a way, perhaps, to let YOU who are out there, who has self-doubt about your Dommy side, know that it is okay to have those doubts. You are not alone. You are not the only one.
If a Dominant has never had these feelings at some point, then one has to wonder if they really are truly in tune with how they SHOULD be as a proper member of our community.
It is perfectly normal to look in the mirror and feel doubt about what we are doing. I don’t think that is a sign that is just part of our community. It is perfectly normal, from time to time, to wonder about that type of confidence about any aspect of our personal or professional lives.
So, how does one alleviate these feelings? For one’s self, I have found that I go back in my memories and remember those times, those scenes, those moments when I was told that I did something really right. Moments where I CAN look in the mirror and say, “I did that really well. I knew what I was doing, even if I made some mistakes. That is human. I did my best, and I was appreciated.”
Talk to your partners as well, and don’t be afraid to admit that you have these types of feeling. It does not make you less of a Dominant to admit that you doubt yourself. In fact, it reveals a certain type of self-awareness and humility that shows you are willing to be fully open and want to communicate completely with your partners. That is something that your submissives will appreciate more than you know. It shows that you want the best for them because you want the best for yourselves, and you are willing to have that introspection.
If you are willing to search yourself and express your own needs, it means that you are also willing to listen to your partners and care for their needs as well. If nothing else, being a Dominant means leading by example in thought and deed.
And, finally, please know that you are not alone if you have these feelings. The best Dominants are willing to talk to each other about these feelings to each other, and help each other out when it comes to feeling confident in what they are doing. If you talk to a Dom or Top about this, admit it to them, and then they disrespect you because you shared, they are not being true to themselves. This is not a ‘stiff upper lip’ situation and ‘It’s all in your head.’ These feelings are real, and are a part of our mental health as a Dominant. If we are truly to be a community, then we have to act like one, and support each other at our low points. I am sure that there are others out there that have a great deal of wisdom to share that even I am not aware of.
Being a good Dominant is about ‘knowing thyself’, and knowing and acknowledging your own feelings. Remember…confidence is sexy…But being confident enough to realize when you are not feeling confident, and admitting it? That can be panty-dropping.
Until next time.
~Carmina Burana