“Confidence is sexy. Humility with confidence is downright panty dropping (or so I have been told)” ~ Carmina_Burana
Hello there. My style of writing may not be everyone’s cup of tea, nor the ‘ideal’ blog post set up. I am simply a person who has had some experiences within the community that have allowed me to be able to think about, and hopefully educate others, on those experiences. So, I hope this comes off more conversational than anything. I like the word “breezy.” With that out of the way, here we go…
This first blog post goes out to those on the Dominant, or Top, side of the slash who are just beginning their journey into the world of BDSM. We have all been there once… fresh faced… a flogger (or preferred implement of ass destruction) in hand… a sub before us… looking at us with anticipatory eyes… waiting for that first taste of what you have waiting for them. And were not talking about the homemade lasagna that you made for the Play party…That stuff was good!
And of course, you stormed into their life… walked into the room…the scene…and with your body…nay…your very eyes… you looked at them. And they knew their place! Boy did they ever…and they knelt with your very presence, knowing that you were the Perfect Dominant! Right out of the gate! You could do NO WRONG! (There is a stain. From the lasagna. On your lapel. It’s right there… might wanna take care of that first, though…)
And your first scene went perfectly…all the blows landed just where they were supposed to… and you watched as your sub’s eyes immediately went into their head as sub-space with simply YOUR VERY THOUGHTS CONQUERING THEIR BRAINS! The bruises were just right! The stripes on their ass were just right! They came from you simply standing over them!
And at the end, the aftercare was just right… you healed their wounds faster then Deadpool could say “This Car Fucks!” but were able to leave bruises that the BDSM world would admire for decades to come! And the cuddles were epic, with you being the blanket of Domly-ness that your partner never knew they needed and to what no one else would compare!
(But then after the aftercare, you did manage to find some white vinegar to help get that lasagna stain out.)
AHEM. This is, of course, all bullshit.
The point that I am getting at is this. No one…and I don’t care how Domly you think you are… NO ONE comes into this lifestyle as a Top knowing everything (…or and I even admit… much of anything actually).
On Fet, I see profiles of ‘Doms’ who tell people what they are going to do to them as soon as they meet them, and how people have simply submitted because of their very arrival to a dungeon. How they are going to make their subs do whatever they want simply because they are Domly McDomlington of Toppington Lane! They post pictures of their dicks and not much else, thinking that is what people want to see…
(Okay…truth be told, the DRKS has a motto of “Your kink is not my kink, and that is okay!”…I am sure there are a set of folks out there that enjoy those sorts of things. I am not passing judgment, I am simply saying that I feel in my humble opinion, and from several conversations with other members of the community, that it leaves an absolutely wrong impression).
I fully admit that I did not know everything that I needed to know when I began this journey many years ago. It took quite a while for me to gain the confidence to know that I was doing what my submissive and/or play partners wanted. (Okay… confession here… this sadist was afraid he was going to seriously hurt people, not in a fun way, and was worried about causing serious and lasting injury).
So, what did I do my best to do? I sought out members of the community who were more experienced in the things I wanted to learn. I admitted my naivety, but also that I wanted to be better! I went to local kink workshops, read books (Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is still a favorite ‘textbook’). I became friends with people who I came to trust that could teach me the things I wanted to learn.
But, at the same time, there is a danger of being taken advantage of, even as a NEW TOP! One can learn the wrong things from people who are not on a good side, or in a good place, with BDSM.
But most of all, I listened. I asked questions. I followed my heart. If someone that I wanted to learn from felt ‘wrong’, I did not go to learn from them. I listened to other members of the community who recommended ‘senior’ practitioners of the various arts of kink. Those recommendations spoke volumes. Reputation is so important in our community, and should not be taken lightly.
So, with all this said, I present to you the ‘moral’ of this post, so to speak.
If you are new…here are a few things I would suggest to help make your first experiences positive, so you keep coming back.
- It’s okay to admit you don’t know something! Especially when you are negotiating your first few scenes. Honestly is always the best policy. A sub would much rather go with something that you know and feel comfortable with doing. On that note, if there is nothing you are comfortable with at the moment, let the sub know. Quite a few play partners could be wonderful ‘learnable and teachable’ moments for you as long as you are willing to learn and grow. As the Top, you are responsible for the bottom’s well-being, and if you try to do something that you aren’t sure about, you are risking their health and well-being.
- Don’t be afraid to make mistakes…and admit you make them when you do! This goes a long way to your reputation. None of us are perfect, but we all can strive to be better. This goes for any practice in kink. As a Top, one of the sexiest things that I hear is “I know that you were doing your best, and I appreciate you admitting you messed up when you did ___________.” It went a long way to making me feel that my play partner knew that I didn’t do the mistake intentionally, and I was able to give myself some grace.
- Seek out teachers and mentors. There are so many good people in the community who love teaching about certain aspects of kink (I am one of them!), and who are willing to mentor those who are new to the lifestyle. Again, go by the reputation of what people say around them.
- Stay away from those who have a reputation for violating consent and/or otherwise not listening to what their partners negotiated from them. They are not the kind of people that you want to be your example. You will soon find yourself lacking play partners very quickly.
- Use your COMMON SENSE! Yes, I know this isn’t too common these days. But, if something doesn’t feel right, or someone doesn’t feel right (even as a bottom! There are bottoms out there who will take advantage of new Tops who don’t know any better, and end up with the Top doing something to them that is harmful and dangerous!), then it probably isn’t right!
- Respect your play partners! One of the fundamental tenets of BDSM is consent. Keep in mind, O dear Tops, that it is the BOTTOM that is in control of what you are allowed to do and not do. Don’t violate their trust. And follow all safe words. Consent is sexy!
There are more nuggets of wisdom out there, but there is a point where one says “this is good.” I think I have reached that moment now.
These are all good starter places if you are beginning your journey as a RESPONSIBLE Top. If you consider the above suggestions, you would be well on your way to a healthy journey into kink.
Be well and stay safe, all.
OMG….So great!