Stay in any one place long enough, with enough people, and eventually there will be a conflict. The kink community is no exception to this rule. In fact, I would venture to say that the kink community gives rise to conflict more often than most other communities simply due to the nature of our existence. Conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing. How we as individuals, and a community as a whole, respond to it is what is most important. In this post I am going to cover a couple different types of conflict, and how the response to each one can either make or break a community.
Conflict #1 – Interpersonal Conflict
Conflict between two individuals happens. Whether it’s a fight over a parking place or over money or ideologies, it’s bound to happen to all of us at some point. In most instances, a time out for both parties to allow cooler heads to prevail is usually enough to resolve the issue. Agree to disagree, and apologize for any insults given, and off we go. No fanfare, no physical fight, just a minor conflict. It happens, and the community as a whole generally understands that we’re all human and things happen.
But what happens when the conflict happens in the realm of BDSM and kink? What happens when the perceptions of a scene between Person A and Person B don’t align? Conflict is sure to arise, and the ‘cooler heads will prevail’ axiom may not work, especially if one person believes they have been treated poorly. It’s easy to simply say “just be adults” and “ignore each other” but that may not be the best course of action, and nearly impossible when both parties run in the same social circle. This is when the animosity can spread to friend groups and cause the even bigger issue of Group Conflict (see section 2). It’s up to the community as a whole to realize the conflict is not with them, it’s between the two individuals and that is where the conflict should stay. That is, of course, easier said than done sometimes.
In the case of ‘a scene gone wrong’ those who participated in that scene should absolutely without a doubt process the situation and then sit down to discuss it. If a discussion quickly devolves into an argument, then it may be time for an intermediary to step in to facilitate a calmer discussion. Above all, both parties should aim to listen for understanding, not listen to respond. They should truly hear what the other person is saying, why they are saying it, and understand how the situation has affected them. If, after this discussion has taken place, both parties still do not agree or cannot see passed their feelings, then it is recommended they do not engage with each other. That means they do not talk to or about the other at all. Ignoring a person in the real world is just like blocking them on the internet, no contact is no contact or even acknowledgement of the person’s existence.
Conflict #2 – Group Conflict
Group conflict arises when two vastly different groups are within proximity to one another and cannot get along due to ideological differences. We can use racism, ablism, and ageism as examples. In the BDSM/Kink world its called Gatekeeping. The easiest form of resolution in this case is to simply walk away and realized that ‘Your Kink is Not My Kink” and we simply disagree and will not be persuaded.
Even most club management will not have the ability to make this conflict go away. They could offer instructional classes and open forum discussions among their members in a controlled setting, hoping to facilitate some form of accord between the groups, but ultimately the rift is wide and runs deep. Should it become intrusive or dangerous to the club or membership, those who perpetuate the conflict should be asked to leave. Kink knows no color, kink doesn’t have a gender, it’s inclusive and open to everyone who is willing to learn how to do it safely, sanely, consensually, and risk-aware.
Conflict #3 – Authority Conflict
When conflict arises between a rule-making board, whether that is a boss, a corporation, or even the owner of a club, it’s a conflict with authority. Essentially, those in power as perceived as the ‘problem’ by those who don’t have that power and may be grieved.
It’s important in this instance for both sides of the conflict to sit down and have a discussion. There are always underlying reasons for a rule-making board’s decisions, and if they are not 100% transparent with their thinking, it leads to suspicion and confusion among their membership. Membership, regardless of whom or how many, should always feel welcome to ask questions. They should also feel welcome to seek clarity for anything that causes confusion. The last thing management wants is a confused or suspicious membership. Everyone has the right to ask questions, especially in the kink community where we are literally putting ourselves at risk at times.
Conclusion – It’s about respect
In all forms of conflict it really boils down to everyone getting the opportunity to be heard. Grievances should be aired. Fears should be spoke about. Bringing these things to light, addressing them in an open way makes huge strides to resolution. Mutual respect, not only for each other, but those around us, and the places we belong in, goes a very long way to preventing conflict from starting.
